Just thoughts

On a scale from 'okay, I can tolerate it for a bit' to 'unbelievably amazing,' the pleasure I get from anal sex usually falls somewhere around 'I can tolerate it for a bit.' I’m not sure why that is - it’s definitely not about my partner’s size, looks, or temperament. I think it’s a whole mix of things: how much we like each other, how I’m feeling, the environment, and a lot more. The 'unbelievably amazing' feeling is extremely rare. But when it does happen, I’m just blown away by the pleasure.

Funny thing is, in those moments, I crave tenderness, kisses, and hugs - even though normally, I’m not interested in that at all. For me, sex with men is like an extension of my cross-dressing game, the ultimate stage of transforming into a woman, but nothing more. But in those rare moments when someone fucks me into a state of nirvana, I actually change. I’m not pretending to be a woman anymore - I feel like I truly become one. I feel something like being in love with my partner (which never happens in my regular life: I only fall in love with women). I want that person to be as happy as possible with me. It’s this romantic moment where a man could ask or even demand anything from me, and I’d do it for him.

Afterward, for a long time, I’m completely satisfied with myself and life. I’m relaxed and at peace. I can stay in this pleasant euphoria for days, and nothing can ruin my mood. The men I’ve experienced this with can be counted on one hand. But I don’t seek - or want - to have ongoing relationships with them. In fact, I avoid it. Because it scares me. What if I experience such intense physical sensations and emotions every day? Maybe the sex feels so amazing precisely because it’s so rare, and if it happened more often, the feelings would dull or fade? Or, on the contrary, if I found the perfect regular male partner, I might not be able to turn back - and instead of being a part-time crossdresser, I’d become someone I’m not right now.

For now, I don’t want to test that. I’m fine with having sex with men once or twice a month - just to relieve tension and kind of 'reset' my transsexuality, returning to my normal heterosexual state. But what if, by refusing pleasure and consciously limiting my intimate life, I’m denying myself a full, authentic life - and I’ll regret it later?